Guilt vs Shame

Self-reflection can be helpful to understand the world around you, providing the opportunity to take a step back and gain some perspective. It is a particularly important tool for personal growth, knowing that a mistake or challenging situation is an opportunity for reflection and learning. However it can be a fine line between self-reflection and self-judgement, where we allow our thoughts to become more negative in nature. Self-judgement can quickly slip into a spiral self-criticism, and attendant feelings of guilt or shame which can have a negative impact on our wellbeing.

It is worth unpacking the difference between guilt (which can be either healthy or unhealthy) and shame, because that can help to address the consequences of negative self-judgement.

Healthy guilt is a feeling of psychological discomfort about something that we have done that is objectively wrong.

Unhealthy guilt is a feeling of psychological discomfort about something we’ve done that goes against our irrationally high standards.

Shame is an intensely painful feeling of being fundamentally flawed, or unworthy as a person.

Healthy Guilt

Paul banged his car door causing damage to the adjacent car, and feels guilty.

Healthy guilt can have a positive outcome by allowing us to seek forgiveness and correct a wrong, leading to healing. It will resolve as we repair the damage that we have caused - as long as we take responsibility for our actions and the harm caused.

Unhealthy Guilt

Jen keeps forgetting a co-workers name, and feels terribly guilty about it.

Unhealthy guilt can lead us to emphasise self-punishment over behaviour change, trapping us in a cycle of guilt. It will remain unless we correct the irrational beliefs that are causing it.

Shame

Kyle feels like a worthless person who is constantly wasting people’s time and space in the world.

Shame leads to fear of rejection, leading us to become disconnected from others to avoid what is causing the shame. It could lead to ongoing problems like substance abuse or depression. Shame can become internalised and deeply connect to our sense of self-worth which makes it more difficult to resolve.

Whilst healthy guilt is a normal response when we do something wrong, unhealthy guilt and shame can cause us psychological distress. It is important to practice self-compassion, address irrational beliefs and try to move awareness away from thoughts of self-criticism or inadequacy.